We all need different things

We all need different things. For example, I need my pens and my  
child needs them to build rockets. All of them. I need my computer to edit my articles and my son needs to see documentaries about building engines. At the same time as I need to work.

Too often situations like this can become a dilemma. Or a source of conflict.

However, as a responsible adult, it’s up to me to choose whether I want to turn this moment into a power struggle. Or simply stop, look at the grand plan of things for a second - instead of reacting immediately - and decide in consciousness.

Does this mean that children have no limits? No. But it does mean that the boundaries must be passed quietly, based on empathy, on connection.

By saying simple sentences like:

·      I'm listening. You’d  like ... But it will not be possible ... because

·      I wish I could ...  

·      How can we do it?

·       I'm here. I see you're upset. Do you want some help?

we are choosing to understand what the child feels before setting the limit. Even if we can not satisfy the immediate need or will of the child, it will receive that we are sympathetic to their emotions and their wants.

Too often situations like this can become a dilemma. Or a source of conflict.

However, as a responsible adult, it is up to me to choose whether I want to turn this moment into a power struggle. Or simply stop, look at the grand plan of things for a second - instead of reacting immediately - and decide on conscience.

Does this mean that children have no limits? No. But it does mean that the boundaries must be passed quietly, based on empathy, on connection.

By saying simple things like: I'm listening, you’d like .... But it will not be possible ... because | I wish I could ... | How can we do it? | I'm here. I see you're upset. Do you want some help? we are choosing to the child that we understand what she feels. Even if we can’t satisfy the immediate will of the child, are showing her that we are caring about their emotions and what they’re communicating with us.

Children, as much as ourselves, react much better to a connecting energy. If we connect first with the child's feelings, distancing ourselves from our own needs, we’ll be able to help them build a positive self-image and a true sense of worth. And this is built moment by moment.

Does this mean that we should let the kids do everything they want? I'm an advocate for a yes” environment. More than I am an advocate of no’s. The yes expands. It doesn’t limit. And if we wish to educate a happier generation, we need to learn to expand with children.

I see that we spend most of the time limiting kids. And I've noticed that sometimes we do it out of fear. Out of a kaleidoscope of fears. Usually fears that reside within us and that we haven’t yet released. And fears about the expectations of others. Of society. Of the world.

All children need to feel loved. Heard. Viewed. Cherished. Supported.

When we adults have difficulty managing, controlling our own emotions, we open doors and windows that will hardly ever close again easily. With the words we use and the tone we use. We easily confuse firmness with aggressiveness, boundaries with hostility.

We ourselves need to work on our own emotions. To heal our own wounds. Do a deep soul work.

It’s true that we all need different things, yet we all operate much better in an environment of support, acceptance and understanding. Especially in our most difficult times. When we are waiting for the answer of a job that never comes. When we want to go out for a walk, and end up going to the beach with three buckets, four shovels, a backpack full of boiled eggs and hamburgers, a podengo dog, and a completely hallucinated basset hound that look like caged lions when they meet other dogs.

We all need different things. That’s true.  But how many of us need sermons, opinions, advice or the point of view of others when we are having a harder time? When we feel frustrated, anxious or confused? When are we treated in a way that we don’t deserve? When we feel wronged?

It’s true that we all need different things. But we all function better - and feel better - when we feel understood, supported and accepted.

Sometimes we are misunderstood by people who don’t know us well or can’t understand our inner world. But because we need different things or work differently, does that mean we're wrong? That we deserve less?

One of life's biggest challenges is knowing how to respect others as they are. But I’ve learned that this may happen because we also don’t know yet how to respect and accept ourselves, as a whole. We still live in a world of separation and judgment.

We all need different things, but when we’re tired, distressed, frustrated, afflicted or angry, we need someone to listen to us. Let us listen actively. Without restrictions. Without  moralism. Someone who recognizes our inner pain and gives us the chance to speak or vent in the way we need to vent. Only this so often helps us to be less confused, less anxious, and more apt to deal with our own feelings and solve our problems.

The process is no different with children. In order to learn to find solutions to help them deal with their feelings, children need our support, our acceptance and our affection. They don’t need punishment, reprimand, moral lessons or sermons.

It’s imperative to learn the language of children, as if we were to learn to read and write again. Studying this language opens up magical paths in the art of educating. And it helps to decode every less good moment and know how to read what lies behind each emotion, each explosion. Of each manifestation of the child’s feelings.

At all times, verbally or nonverbally, the child tries to communicate. I have come to understand that in order to have a healthy relationship with our children, we need to learn to understand how they work and that only by changing  the way we look, perceive and treat them it’s possible to create a whole new generations of adults.